APP: Several weeks have passed and Santa remains at large. Wanted for the alleged brutal assassination of the Easter Bunny. How can a fat jolly guy in a bright red suit driving a sled pulled by reindeer be so elusive? What could have made a kid hero go so bad?

Those questions led us to uncover who Santa really is. According to undisclosed sources, Santa in his down time runs a well organized crime family. We have learned from “Sleepy”, one of the 7 dwarfs now in custody for pimping, that Santa has a hand in their operation and that “Snow White” is a code word for all the hookers under their management. In addition to prostitution, Santa is believed to be involved in marijuana distribution. The DEA has had him under surveillance for several months. “Santa has been selling marijuana to the Smurfs for years,” the DEA reports, “how else do you think they have maintained their blue skin.” (Blue marijuana is allegedly the best and most expensive on the streets)

Santa also has been alleged to be involved in the 101 Dalmatians (an illegal dog fighting club), Hot Wheels (an auto chop shop) and The Cabbage Patch Kids (a ruthless gang that controls the west side). Mrs. Claus in a bid to avoid prosecution, has admitted that Santa achieved most of his fortune from illegal arms sales during the Star Wars.

This may confirm the rumors that have been going around for years that Santa is actually the devil. Santa has always in the past brushed off the fact that Satan and Santa are spelled with the same letters as a mere coincidence. That won’t be so easy to do now.

Tyr Annassassi reporting

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